My First Heartbreak, Situationships and Advice.

Ty'Asia Bullock//20//NewarkNJ//Blog: theblackgirldiary.wordpress.com//IG:@thepusha.tee

Now as much as I HATE to be your typical 21 year old blogger, this was a topic that would’ve had to be discussed sooner or later… only sooner came way earlier than expected. This post is about *drumroll please* Heartbreak. In my introduction post, I told y’all that this blog would present itself based on my own experiences, with the hopes that my readers could relate. With that being said, I’m experiencing my very first broken heart (boo hoo) so my intention is to share this with y’all, while also finding some type of closure within myself by writing about it So let’s get started. I know that many women my age are familiar with the infamous “situationship.” For those who have no idea what this means- a situationship can be defined as a dynamic where two people do everything together as if they’re in a relationship, without ever fully committing to one another. On the surface, this might sound like an ideal situation to some, but it is anything BUT that. Let me give you a little more depth (based off my own experience of course). Typically, when a girl meets a guy she likes, once they spend some time together and start to develop a connection, she is ready and willing to enter an exclusive relationship with him. Unfortunately, some guys see this as the opportunity to take advantage. While she was thinking that the feelings were mutual, she didn’t know that his original plans were NOT to enter a relationship. Many times, guys date with this mindset: “I’m not looking for anything beyond sex from these women, but if I find someone different from the rest, we’ll see where it goes” and THIS is how the situationship is born. Fast forward a few weeks, they’ve probably spent a good amount of time together, had sex once or twice, maybe even more, and since the guy still hasn’t revealed his true intentions, the girl is thinking that she’s found the one because he shows no sign of being a f*ckboy. (If you don’t know what a f*ckboy is, skip on over to urbandictionary.com. I can’t give y’all all the answers lol) Fast forward a couple more weeks of this same scenario. Now, some time has gone by, and she starts to get weary. She asks that question that makes men across America CRINGE: “So, what are we?” The guy is SHOOK, y’all. He’s feeling the girl. He knows it has potential to go further, and could very well flourish into a great relationship. However, he isn’t ready to abandon the dozens of numbers he’s collected from the girls before her. He’s likely young, and enjoying the freedom of having girls in a revolving door. He does not yet possess the maturity to say “I can see this girl likes me a lot. I know damn well I won’t be ready to commit no time soon and I’m not gonna stop dealing with other bitches so let me be straight up with her and let her make her own decision.” So in order to have his cake and eat it too, he’ll sugarcoat the hell out of what he SHOULD’VE said, and say something like this instead: “I’m not ready for a relationship just yet, but I really do like you a lot and I enjoy spending time with you.” He might even say “I wanna keep kicking it with you, I want you to be my girl eventually” although he has not the slightest clue when “eventually” will come. The girl, with her feelings foolishly and heavily involved by now, is still willing to drop everything for him. She now believes that if she plays her cards right, she can win his heart over any other girl. She’s stopped texting/hanging out with guys she used to entertain because she wants to show him that she’s loyal. She’s sacrificing time with her girls because her mind tells her that the more time she spends with him, the sooner he’ll realize that she’s what he really wants. She’s familiarizing herself with his interests and abandoning her own. What she doesn’t know is that she has just entered the most toxic dynamic there is. And that no matter what she does, no matter how she tries to prove herself “worthy,” it’ll never be enough. Because it seems like all of his attention is focused on her, she doesn’t even consider the fact that he could very well be dealing with a number of females behind her back, but as he starts to get comfortable, the truth slowly begins to surface. She’ll notice girls texting him late at night. She’ll notice that he didn’t text her back for an extended period of time, likely meaning someone else had his attention. He’s TELLING her that she’s his “number one,” that no one comes before her. And that may be true. She might be the one he likes the most. But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s making every girl he’s dealing with feel the exact same way. This cycle goes on for months and months until the girl is damn near broken. In an ideal situation, two things could happen. A, the girl realizes that he’ll never change and builds the strength to leave him, even though it hurts like hell. She’ll be sad, and miss him for a long while, but eventually, she’ll see this as a lesson, and vow to be smarter in the future. B, the guy realizes that what he’s doing is wrong, and even though it runs the risk of her hating him forever, he makes a solid decision to let her go and stick to it, allowing her the freedom to live life until she meets someone who will treat her the way he knows she deserves to be treated. Rarely. And I mean RARELY. Do situationships end in a “Happily Ever After.” Rarely does the guy look at the girl and decide “I’ve put her through enough. I want to make her my girl and do right by her forever.” He’s gotten comfortable being able to straddle the fence, so commitment is the furthest thing from his mind, even though he’s been telling her the opposite to keep her close. This is, more or less, the situation I found myself in… for a little over a year and a half. Granted, it wasn’t all black and white the way I’ve laid it out for y’all, but it rarely is. If it always went as predictable as I described, women would have wised up a long time ago. The reason why we find ourselves in these situations over and over is because, even though we hear horror stories about situationships ALL THE TIME, we like to believe there’s something “special” about our own situationship that’ll prevent us from turning out like the rest. The guy I was dating had serious issues with commitment. The first red flag was when he admitted to me that he had cheated on each of his past girlfriends. On the other hand, he used that as an opportunity to keep me close, by telling me that he cherished me enough to want to do things differently. He didn’t want to just jump into a relationship with me just to hurt me like he did the rest. Looking back, I’m sure he meant that, but he was still just too selfish to actually take the steps to make it happen. I’m not sure why I believed he would, because he never stopped dealing with other girls. He’d cut them off when I found out, but there would always be another. But like I said, every girl wants to believe her man’s “ain’t shit” tendencies are less detrimental than the next man’s for whatever reason. For me, it was the time we spent together. We slept together almost every night. We went to so many concerts I can barely keep track. We celebrated birthdays and holidays together. We went to each other’s family cookouts. We even took a trip to California together. Most of this was on his dime, so trust me I was playing the wifey roll HARD okay lol. He made sure I ate, and anything else I wanted, he’d give it to me if he could. So y’all could imagine how it was easy for me to overlook the fact that he had lied to me and hurt me so many times. I had invested a lot in the relationship as well. I had pretty much become his stay at home wife and honestly, it humiliates me to even say this, knowing what he was out doing behind my back. Without him ever asking me to, I had began to alienate myself from my social circles. When he was out at work, I was cooking and cleaning. When he was in graduate school (during my sophomore and junior year of undergrad) I was even doing his papers from time to time. This was on top of me being a social work major, having an internship with my own caseload, and my own damn papers piling up. I took care of my shit AND his. And overall, I was 100% LOYAL. For a year and a half, I was all about him. On top of that, we had practically moved in together. So all this time, I’m thinking there’s no way in hell we WON’T end up together forever. Look at how great of a team we made. All of his family and friends loved me, and vice versa. But none of them were able to see the toxicity that lied beneath the pictures, concerts, and trips. Now, things have escalated to a point that we’ll never be able to come back from. I felt myself changing during the end of our relationship. I had started to spend a lot of time reflecting on how easily time had gone by. At the beginning, I was sure that by now, we would be exclusive, committed and genuinely happy if I “let him get it out his system,” but nothing had changed. If anything, it had gotten worse because I had let him get comfortable hurting me. I was hurt and humiliated, and honestly ashamed of myself. I was so bitter. I had restricted myself to this dark place where I was being catered to materialistically and physically, but still feeling empty because I was not being emotionally, mentally or spiritually taken care of. So we’re over. Just typing this hurts like hell and I can’t wait to get to a place where I’m able to actually say “I’m over him. I’m okay now.” Despite the heartache, we were really good friends. He was there for me when I needed him and I was there for him as well. He understood me better than most people and I believe I understood him too. He just wasn’t ready to be faithful and because neither of us wanted to let go, God pushed us to a point where it was harder for us to stay together than to just be apart. I’m missing the hell out of him already and I do wish things could’ve turned out differently. But I know that time heals all wounds. Readers, if after reading this, you’ve realized that you might be in a situationship, trust me. You’re not alone. Understand that your mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing is much more important than any relationship you think you want to be in. When you find someone who’s really worth your time, you won’t have to force or manipulate the situation to get results. If you find yourself thinking “Maybe if I act like this, dress like this, do more of this, do less of that, lose weight, gain weight, etc., he’ll love me more” GET OUT. That is extremely toxic thinking and it’ll result in nothing but more insecurities. A man who really wants to be with you will motivate you to be the best version of yourself because he wants to see you happy, not because he is trying to change you to fit HIS liking. Invest that same energy in SELF love, because all else will fall into place. You need to love yourself so much that any man who wants to get near you will know right away that he has no other choice BUT to come correct! Don’t make walking away harder than it needs to be. Don’t wait until he leaves you for someone else, or until he brings home an STD (especially something you can’t get rid of), or until he gets you pregnant! You’ll be wondering why you didn’t just leave when you first started having doubts. DON’T SIGN YOUR LIFE AWAY TO ANY MAN. Period. (And vice versa. Men get emotionally manipulated too) Guys, if you’re reading, don’t subject the women in your life to the pain of a situationship. Just be honest and upfront about what you want from the start, even before sex is involved. Let her decide whether she wants to deal with that. Don’t make the decision for her. And most importantly, if y’all aren’t on the same page, just have the courage to end it. Trust me, she won’t want to. But you’ll know it has to be done. Don’t get me wrong, ladies. I know men don’t hurt us on purpose. We’re all human, and we’re all figuring it out. Especially us young people. So with that being said, whether you’re a woman or a man, whether you’re in a situationship, relationship or married, whether you’re heterosexual or homosexual, never EVER put your happiness in another person’s hands. When it becomes too much for them to bear, you’re the one who ends up hurt. Instead of hating them, make sure you can look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back at you, nobody else. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts and feelings with y’all. My posts won’t always be this long, but I had a lot on my mind and heart, and y’all can’t even imagine how good it feels to know that there are people out there willing to listen and learn from my experiences. I’ll definitely be more consistent with my future posts as well- at least once a week. Also, I’ll be including “song of the week” at the end of every post to reflect the intended theme. Nothing gets a point across like a song :) Here’s to growth, healing and self-love! Till next time