2:35 A.M. Monologue

Vanessa Tavera

Why the fuck is no one up at 2:35 A.M when I have the recurring thoughts of having my wrists slit and the images are so vivid so beautifully vivid in fact that all my senses liven I Can Feel The Soft Tickle Of The Blade Against My Skin Right Before I Decide That It Is Time It Is Time To Do It Do It NOW I'M PRESSING It DEEP And I'm DRAGGING It LONG And I Stop For A Second But just One Second Only One Second Because I Can't Think Too Much About It Or Else I'll End Up Quitting And Haven't I Done That Enough Already So I Start Again I Place The Blade Again Right Where I Started Even Though It Burns A Little But I Tell Myself It'll ALL Be Over Soon And I DIG The Blade In THROUGH My Skin And Slice A Vein And For A Second It's Unbearable THERE'S A POP But For A Second More It's Just So Good So I Drag It I Tell Myself To DRAG IT Because I'm Almost There I'm Almost There And I Stop And Lift The Blade From The Inner Of My Body Stopping Just Before My Elbow And That's When I Feel That I Am Burning And My Body And My Heart Is Yearning For Help But My Mind Is Relaxed As I Sit There And The Blood Isn't Trickling Like Previous Times No It's Not It's Gushing It's Really Gushing And I Can Tell No I Know That I'll Be Gone In A Second Oh The Burning Is Refreshing How Relieved I'll Be Finally I Just Have To Wait A Little More And Suddenly My Mind Is On My Mother And I Try To Push The Thought Aside But The GUILT is So Heavy And IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY And Now All I Can Do Is Wait It's The Last Hurt My Heart Will Ever Feel I Am Almost Gone And In These Last Few Seconds I Don't Think Of All The Boys I Loved Or The Mistakes I Made Or The Fact That I Could Have Maybe Gone Through With Life I Just Think Of My Mother And The Tears I'll Leave Her In When She Finds Me Sprawled Against The Floor Without Even A Letter Shit Maybe She Would Have Appreciated A Letter.

-v.t